Swollen eyes

Woke up today and my eyes still sting a little. Not to mention quite a bit swollen. I knew it's going to happen. I normally do after crying too much the night before.

It's probably sounds too trivialfor me to write about it. But still.

It's not the first time my dad calls me fat. But what I don't understand is that WHY he's still saying it knowing how I react everytime. It took a lot of convincing for me to eat normal again (I was eating about half what I should be eating for quite a while after when he first came back and keep saying I'm fat.)

The thing I remember the msot when I was younger was that I was constantly being teased at and picked on, with kids saying I'm fat, or that I look strange, or that I just AM strange. I spent countless lunchtime in the library, mostly because no one wants to hang out with me. I've been called fatso or piggy. It's not something I just put behind, especially when I was suicidal for quite a while becasue of that. I don't handle comments about my weight well.

Yet every now and then, just when I get better, my dad will just throw a comment and say I'm fat. And of course when I just break down it's my fault that I break down. Because I should handle comments like that just fine.

Right now: I'm scared of food again. And it's just bad because I know I can't just avoid food, but I'm just scared to eat and get stressed out comes meal time. I don't know. I'll get over it. I guess. I just don't know how I can stay sane sometimes.